Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
