Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
