so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
