The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
