So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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