Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
