I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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