btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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