Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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