so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's blow job season.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
