I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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