She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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