okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
