So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
