Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
