I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
