Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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