apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
