get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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