I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
