the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
