Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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