shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
