chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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