chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
