i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
