he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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