my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
