You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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