just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
