Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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