Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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