franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
