After last night, I could never be a politician.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
