When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
