listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
