Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
