dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
