you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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