I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
