I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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