I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have fence marks all over my body
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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