I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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