His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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