I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
