He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
