Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
