I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
