My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
