I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
